Death?

One of my friends Jamison died today. It's unbelievably heartbreaking. He was a 4.0 student. Handsome, funny and the whole deal. He played football and a lot of boys remember him from that. I don't understand death. I don't understand how in a blink of an eye someones life can be gone. People say it must've been his time to go.. But why would someone be taken away from all their friends, from all their family because there time is up? How is that fair to take somebody so loved.. 
Rest in peace Jamison. I will always remember you as the cute boy that would show off playing football. Winking at me and trying to get my attention. The day you asked me to be your girlfriend in the 7th grade and when we'd door bell ditch your house during the summer..

Home.

        We got home from Las Vegas last night. It took us 9 hours to drive home. We had to stop a few times for potty break of course. I mean we had 5 girls! 
         We arrived home at 10 o' clock.. I haven't seen Alec since last Thursday. Which is when I found out i'd be going to St. George/Vegas. I went up to hang out with him for a couple hours and it was great. We were over our fight but it was just another goodbye. I hate being away from him.. I hate knowing that i'm hours and hours away from him. I hate knowing that the text i'm about to open is going to be a one word text showing how much he just really doesn't care. Last night we got in a fight because all day I was planning on spending today with him. I was so excited to get home go to bed so I could wake up and be with him. But Alec had different plans.. He told me he was going snowboarding. I know. I was so furious. I still am. I don't understand how he could just choose snowboarding over me? He told me that he'd be back by 5. But when he comes back he'll be exhausted, grumpy and not give a shit that i'm even there. He denied that statement and said he would. Then he started comparing me to Carter's girlfriend. How she beats him up when he's a jerk. But honestly, can you see me beating anyone for being a jerk? No. Me either. I'm so frustrated I just wanted to yell at him. But that's kind of impossible through text. Ugh. I told him goodbye after he didn't reply for 10 minutes and I woke up to a text he sent me 45 minutes after saying "goodnight my piece of heaven. I love you." That is SO unfair! He can be such a jerk one minute and then the next i'm a piece of heaven?! I'm so confused. And unbelievably upset that he'd choose snowboarding over me.. Watch he won't even be home till late. So i'll sit in bed all day waiting for him, and then he'll call around 10 saying he's home. But guess who isn't going to his house at ten on a school night? Yep, me.

       I'm so done.

I just need some advice. 

V.A.C.A.T.I.O.N. (:

  So randomly my step mom decided that we were going to St. George/Vegas! 
I was so excited! To get away and be in the warm weather! But I miss Alec so bad! I hate being away from him! I wish I was going on a vacation with him! Although I am having fun, so I can't complain too much!
  We left our house Friday afternoon at 5 o' clock. We arrived in Salt Lake City not too much longer. We were picking up our cousin Ashley and aunt Wendy. Ashley had been to the ER just a bit earlier for bad cramps! She got a shot of morphine and it made her very sick! She was throwing up like non stop! It was very gross. We waited till about 7 and then left. Ashley fell asleep in the car so she couldn't be sick! It was a long boring drive! We drove past Mona/Nephi and I wanted to cry! I felt like I was just THAT close to Gunnison and I didn't stop. I didn't get to see anyone. Bailey, Koty, Conner, just nobody. We finally got to St. George at 1 am! It was late and we were all very exhausted! We went straight to bed! This morning we woke up and ate breakfast and then took a couple hours getting ready. After we got some starbucks and sat in the sun. It was SO amazing, the sun was so warm! We checked into our hotels and then lathered up in tanning oil and then it was off to the swimming pool! I laid on the chair with my book and soaked up lots of vitamin D! I already have a tan line! Tomorrow we are going to Vegas, I can't wait! I am ready to go shopping! Today we were at wal-mart and I was buying everything I could see! I got sweats, a sweatshirts, a purse and sunglasses. It's sweet.. hah!


  I miss everyone so much. Alec most of all. /:

me against the world;

I feel so frustrated lately. It all started last night at dance.

I couldn't catch onto anything. Even things I am pro at I couldn't do. I was just so off. And it makes me so mad that I can't keep up.

I haven't been frustrated with myself for a while.

It usually happens when i'm forced to draw and i'm being graded on my artwork.

I'm not an artist by all means.

Not with a pencil in my hands at least.

I can't decide whats wrong. But I think something is up with Alec.

He's been so flaky lately. We'll be texting and then he just decides not to reply.

And I re send my text a couple times in case he doesn't get it.

But guess what?

No reply!

But when i'm in the shower and I don't reply I end up with three texts and a missed call?

But I make sure I reply. Or tell him when i'm not able to text.

Shouldn't he take the time to at least tell me goodbye?

He'll say he wants to talk but then he's boring/down.

I'm not sure if its down but I don't get much out of him.

I just miss talking to him. Like we used to..

Out Of My League. /:

Our first week back to school was exhausting! With several projects due I swear thats all I had time for! I ran on just a few hours of sleep each night to wake up late and get half way ready.

I didn't even have time to miss Alec! Usually during the week we try to plan something or we text all day. But sometimes i'd get too wrapped up into my essay's or he'd be working on a project too. Things were just completely off! I did get to hang out with him Friday though. He's slowly but surely learning how my mind works. Although around every corner he surprises me I think i'm starting too catch on too. Our whole seven months together I could never get him to comfort or reassure me. We always fought about that, about how it made me look selfish and how it made him look like a jerk. But he finally got it! I was so thrilled. I love him to death but he also frustrates me. If he asks me a question that I don't know how to answer he gets upset. I don't know what to tell him! I can't just make up an answer when I don't even understand the question. People always say "yeah he's cute but he's way too full of himself" well I have the opposite problem. Alec is so cute but he will not take a compliment. EVER. He believes he doesn't have an imagination but he can repair a SAAB from the early 1900's! He has the capability of being everything I say he is and that I see in him. But he won't see it. I don't know if he just refuses to look or if he really just doesn't notice his talents. He wants me to learn how to drive stick and he thinks he's going to teach me. But if he's not patient enough to teach me what things do what in his car how is he going to have the patience to help me learn stick?! I don't know what to tell him anymore. He hasn't had a really bad mood for a while, but I got one today. I can either leave (bad) or be patient (good). But I don't want to have to always do that. It's not fair that when i'm in a bad mood he goes running for the hills, But when he's in a bad mood I try even more for him. Bleh.

I'm reading a new book. Well it's kind of new, it's called "love the one you're with" by emily giffin. Its way good so far! I'm sucked in for sure, which is good cause I haven't found a good book in what seems like forever! Its about a woman named Ellen that is recently married to her best friends brother Andy. Everything is perfect. Too perfect. One day Ellen runs into her ex , Leo. She gets hit with old memories and feelings and its stuck in her head and she starts to question everything about her and Andy's marriage. The only pitfall for me is that its a lot of flash backs and thinking. Which can get confusing and boring! I like reading conversations more for some reason? Maybe its not just me.

Drill try-outs are the last week of February into the first week of March! Its over a month sooner then Syracuse High's dance try outs! I am starting to get nervous! I'm switching to Monday afternoon private lessons with my coach Heather. She is amazing and she was on a High School drill team too! So she has a better idea of what they will be doing at try-outs! I was watching a couple videos on youtube of drill try-outs and it made it all just that much more real! Brigitte, (step mom) is going to talk to Heather tomorrow and see if she thinks I actually have a chance of getting on the team. If she says yes I am going to start dancing two hours on Mondays! Its such a long time!!! It will prepare me but i'm going to be dead! I already die after one hour.

This week is end of term and my grades aren't cutting it.. at all. I have to talk to my teachers about bringing my grades up. At least I know I can bring two of my C's up. Its my Geometry F thats mostly killing me. It always will, I can't wait until i'm out of that class! I just wish my teacher would help me. But no, she's too busy chattin' it up with her basketball girls. How fair is that? Aren't teachers there to support and help you through the difficult things? I know I catch on to math a little slow and I probably drop the average of my classes test scores but I know for a fact i'm not the only one. But it takes 3 girls to say "I don't understand this" for her to get through her head that we need time to review! Not just learn learn learn until the day before the test.

I don't know if i'm ready for this week. At all.

Stress, Frustration & Impatience.

This week started out great! Back at school and being able to be with my friends again. We were all ready to be ready for school. Until First period started, you walk into class and you have no idea what you're learning about, where you left off or where to even begin! You hear the teacher say "pass up the ____ assignment" you see everyones face in worry and nobody has done it. Obviously, who is going to do homework over break? As much as I loved being on break it was TOO long! I was already falling behind and then they expect us to catch up with 2 weeks of no teachers and nobody to help us?!
You soon find out this simple project you got in English turns into a 6 page essay. You choose from a list and say you chose "not to wear make up for 3 days. (one of the days at school)" what does she want me to write about?! "Oh this was a great experience, I learned a lot and... " and what? I don't know how to finish that sentence and i'm about to sit here for hours think of how to end the sentence.
Math has always been hard on me, I've never been very good. I'm also not the person to ask for help or ask questions. I feel dumb when I ask and our teachers don't exactly help with that, I understand that loads of students could have asked this question but I have my own style of learning and I don't deserve to be talked to like a 2-year-old. Teachers are there to help us not tear us down and just let us fail. If i'm using my time to go to a class to get help I should be helped. I shouldn't be ignored because my teacher is talking to her basketball players.
I'm not a good person under stress. I should fix it, I become whiney, needy and just a miserable person to be around. I feel like I need support and help with all this stuff but who would be able to help me? I don't tell my family how to support me either, leaving them in the dark leaves me helpless.
With lots of homework to do I should really start now, maybe I can be done by midnight? Yeah, sounds about right.

Back To School...

It's that time again. School time. Are you ready? Most people aren't, but in some ways I am. I was excited for the break to get away from my friends drama and be my own person. "Time makes the heart grow fonder", I find this true. I have missed my girls SO much. All the drama we have been through seems silly. It's hard to keep in touch with each other when we are all growing and maturing at different rates. It's hard to keep up with 5+ girls when you're having you're own problems. I hope we have all learned this over the break and can get back together tomorrow with big hugs and smiles!
I spent an amazing break with Alec! I swear if it weren't for him I wouldn't know of any movies, I swear that's all we do! Movies, Call of Duty, a couple more movies and a few more rounds of Call of Duty. I have recently gotten over the fact that my boy can't do anything else with his vertebrae being fractured. So I decided to take up the hobby of COD (Call of Duty). Although I am not hooked yet, and I am not even remotely good I got like five kills the other day! I won't mention how many deaths I had though...
I have set my new years resolutions, the other day I read an article saying that you need to look through your list and make sure it is realistic. I made ideal list of my resolutions. Though it was not the typical "get ready for bathing suit season" or "quite smoking". This may be a relief to hear but I have neither of those problems! Here is my list:

1. work harder this semester in school. -my grades are barely making a C average.
2. make it to drill try outs. - i cannot set a goal to make drill because i have no control of what the coaches decide but i can make sure i am healthy and strong enough to make it to try outs and work my hardest to prove i can be on the team.
3. learn the basics of cooking. - if i learn to cook now i will become better and better over time. i don't want my future husband to come home to a clean house and mac & cheese!
4. get my license. - this is the year! i've learned to drive in snow and i'm used to driving at night with my mom. hopefully i will have the practice and skill to pass my test by time i am sixteen. (october 24th!)
5. keep my room clean. - my room is terribly small and its hard to have a place for everything! i can understand when i'm in a hurry and i don't have time to put away my last load of laundry i did or make my bed before i leave for school. but i want to be able to wake up earlier make sure my clothes get in the hamper and my bed neatly made.

My list is short, but all of those things will take lots of habits to make and millions of habits to break. I can't wait for this week of school, just to see how it goes. Find out how all my friends are doing and help in everything I am capable of helping with.