Summer

     My Summer has been a whole other world than what i'm used to. I have officially lost all contact with the majority of my friends. I still invite them to go boating, to come watch movies or to go do something, but every time I end up alone. For a lot of my summer I have relied on Alec. To keep my hopes up, to give me that extra push when I really just want to sit down and cry and just that little glimpse of hope that i'll make new friends in the near future. I've never not had a girlfriend to go to, but now I can't even go to my own sister. 

     This summer has been family time and Alec time. If it's not one of the two, i'm sitting on my butt watching t.v. Me and my family traveled to Oregon for our family vacation of the year. I fell in love with marine life photography, but being in Utah.. There isn't much of it! I am going to become a certified SCUBA diver this winter and get this dream on a roll!


     
     Since the last time I wrote a lot has happened. I was in the Miss Outstanding Teen Syracuse pageant, where i got nothing. It's hard to get all sorts of complements and people telling you "oh you're gonna win!" and then when they don't say your name for 2nd attendedent, and then they don't say it for 1st and then the big winner Miss Teen Syracuse but you still don't hear your name. But it's not like drill try-outs. I couldn't just start crying right then and there, I couldn't even stop smiling. I held myself together, clapping and smiling for the other girls. I didn't cry until I got home, sat on the couch and turned the t.v. up real loud. I did gain a lot a confidence, and I gained a new pretty dress.. But I feel like I was told you're not pretty enough, you're not loud enough, you're not bubbly enough, you're talent isn't as good as hers, you're walk isn't as strong as hers and thinking of these things now still bring back the sting.


     My sister Kayleen got herself a boyfriend this last year. It was cute at first but now i'm about to die!! The second he leaves and the door shuts, you hear her phone ring.. Guess who?! Yep, the boyfriend. What's even worse is she ALWAYS uses this baby voice when she's talking to him, and before they say anything to each other they say "babe". If I ever call Alec babe again my ears will bleed just from hearing it again. Though my parents are very impressed by him, he teases them back when they give him crap. He's not shy, AT ALL. But he seems to have over looked me. Maybe Kayleen just doesn't care about my approval as much? Who knows. They get under my skin, more so lately than ever. 


     This summer hasn't been as productive as i'd hoped! But I learned how to wake board! I got up the 3rd time I tried, and that was two weeks ago so now i'm just proI've stepped up my fashion, no more just jeans and t-shirts. Unless i'm being lazy! But I put outfits together including shoes and accessories. I got a 90% on my drivers ed test, now I just have to wait until I turn 16! Oh, and get a car.. That's a different topic. 


     Lately I've been setting high goals for myself. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. "shoot for the moon, even if you don't make it you'll land in the stars" right? Or is that saying have a few thousand back up plans to fall to.. I don't want a back up plan though. I want to do what I want to do and be good at it. I set my college goal, Yale University. For those who may not know, Yale is in Connecticut. Which is good, cause it's on the East Coast and I want to travel to that general area for my first couple years in college. I don't know why but I've just always felt like I need to be over there two years after high school. Just to travel and get some schooling in before I come back to Utah and settle down. Yale is the number one school in photography. They say to take a lot of pictures, and I should really get on that. I also have decided that I want to serve a mission for the LDS church. Me and my cousin Austin will be starting missionary prep soon. So that'll help me confirm my decision as well. I've been going back and forth with myself about if I should do it. I guess I just need to pick one and stick to it. 


    I'm still dancing, since I was rejected by the Clearfield Drill Team, the Clearfield Dance Company I have improved a lot. It's given me something to work for. Even though I'd rather be working on a team. This year i'm going to be competing as a soloist and that'll be different! I've never done a solo in front of more than 5 people, YIKES! Dance has so many aspects to it, a smart kid once told me "so does life". I've never compared dance to life like I do now. 


     My little brothers and sisters are still the cutest things in my life. They mean so much to me, I really hope one day I can give them a stable home. 

     Alec.. Is my best friend. I really have lost everyone that I have been close to in the last year. It's been hard watching everyone grow up and separate but Alec has really been there for me. I don't know what i'd do without this kid. He drives me around pretty much everywhere and he always plans the cutest date nights. Our last date was to boondocks, and even though its just down the road in Farmington I've never been! We played mini golf and I had my awesome moments but then I had my moments where it took 6 puts to get the ball in... Lucky for me Alec wasn't making it a competition. When me and Alec compete we butt heads, we're not competitive people but when we want to win you bet we are! We're still the goofiest couple I've ever seen. I guess that's what happens when you get so close to someone. And you 

become vulnerable to them. Me and Alec have a lot of fun, when we're not arguing about who had the attitude first. We've both got thick skin so its hard to 
                     win.




























     School starts in 17 days. Fall clothes shopping, back to school shopping, getting my schedule, hopefully getting into cosmetology at DATC!! This next few years are going to prove what I can do and are going to shape me into what I am going to be for the rest of my life. I just hope i'm ready for the journey of, high school.

 -Kylee Jo.

Understanding.

Life gets the best of you sometimes. And here I am, understanding what that means. 

 I was baptized; into the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It was a spectacular day. So many people came to support me. My cousin Austin baptized me. He has been my buddy since we were just little! And lately we have gotten very close! I am so glad that he got to be the one to convert me. Alec was also there to support me as well as several friends and ALL  of my family! Here are a few pictures from this memorable day! 

 Since then I have been so blessed. I read my scriptures, go to church and pray morning and night. It has helped me with a lot of sticky situations. Ones that I am so thankful to have someone to talk to when I needed it most. I am so glad that I made this decision. It's nice to know that everyone is so proud of me but I am so proud of myself for doing something for just me.

 Another big event... I WENT TO PROM! Alec, his family and I were eating Chinese food and towards the end we all got fortune cookies.. I read mine then thought "wait what?!" I had to do a double look. Written on my fortune was "will you go to prom with me?" I felt my face turn red. I was SO happy! It was so cute. We all went around and read what it said and I just blushed and blushed! Prom was such a fun experience! We had an awesome group and my date was TOTAL stud! In my group there was: Kara & Flint, Jenny & Skyler, Me & Alec, Jessica &              Ricky, Shelby & Jake D, and Kennedy & Tom P. For our day date we went paint balling. 

Almost all of us ended up with a welt or two. I had one really nasty one and then a baby one on my arm. Luckily it was gone so my dress wouldn't show it off! It was a lot of fun. My whole group hangs out together so there was no awkwardness between anyone! It was laughs the WHOLE TIME! After the dance we all went back to Alec's house and ate banana splits! As you can see below by this time I had changed into some of Alec's shorts and one of his t-shirts. All the girls sat around in there dresses but I got mine off as soon as I could! (when i got the door 

locked!)

I had a ton of fun!

I tried out for drill team... And didn't make it. /: It was really sad and hard... But now I can cross off one of my new years revolutions! Number 2: Make it to drill try outs! And I did. It was my first try outs and it was really nerve racking! 25 girls tried out and I was ONE of FIVE girls that didn't make the team.. It was really hard. It still is actually. But I am going to audition for dance company and continue taking private lessons with Heather and I WILL make that team next year!! 


I applied for a job today! At a flower shop in Kaysville. I'd only work on holidays when they need an extra hand but it'll be good for me to stay busy! 


Even though I didn't make the team I love my life. I love my family and I love my friends. It's been a stressful month but here I come may! 


Me and Alec's one year anniversary is coming up! JUNE FIFTH. I can't believe it! How could I find such an amazing guy? I love Alec, especially for all he has helped me through. He's quite the trooper when it comes to my stress caused break downs and my heart breaks. He's come to know me so well. I'm lucky to have a silly goose like him! 

Busy Bee;

So I have been the busiest bee in the whole continental U.S.  From helping plan my baptism to Miss Teen Syracuse then to Drill prep clinics i'm swamped! These last couple weeks have been killing me. Alec is not helping. Being grumpy cause I stole him for a few days last week i'm trying to let him get in his "boy time" before this weekend. He went to elite tonight and that bothered me. But i'm still trying SO hard not to show it. It's not like I could've hung out though.. I had mutual, tomorrow I have a hair cut, Thursday I have my last missionary discussions, then a meeting to prove I have learned the gospel, then finally I have a mini workshop for Miss Teen Syracuse. Yipee.... Friday I should be getting rest but there is a party! Rest for Saturday or party all night and run off of Monsters? Hmm. 


Planning for my baptism has been fairly easy for me. I let my aunt Bonnie do most of it and i'm happy with everything she has done! But she went to China for work and then everyone was asking me all these crazy questions and I just said well... I have no clue what to tell ya! Luckily she comes home tomorrow! I'm so excited.

I'm just stressing myself out so i'm going to go to bed.. Goodnight to whoever is out there.. 

Happily Ever After.

I've never thought that someone so close to me could be so fake. Maybe he isn't maybe he was just talking and didn't mean what he said. Maybe i'm just overreacting. Its time to figure out why he is in my life though. What role he is teaching me and how i'm going to better myself from him. I need to figure it out before I leave him, or before my fake smile permanently covers my true one.
Its sad when the one thing you have to open up to is your very own blog. Because you don't want to hear your friends advice, you don't want to hear your mothers "there are lots of fish in the sea" speech, and when you can't talk to the problem causer because he just gets upset. 
I know I wouldn't be single for long. I know that there are so many boys out there that would bow at my feet if I were single. I know that I am a beautiful young woman that has so many options. But why am I tied down? Why is it so hard for me to even think about letting him go? Is it because I truly love him? I think it's because i'm not learning what i'm supposed to from him. But maybe I have. Maybe my lesson was the church, to learn the gospel and to become baptized. What if i'm just milking it, dragging it a long because of my fear of goodbyes. 
The reason i'm so scared of goodbyes is what if I say goodbye at the wrong time, or to the wrong person. What if I say goodbye to him and then I had just lost my future husband. I wouldn't only be losing my future husband, but a future father, partner, best friend and a family member.. I already see him as my best friend. He is already a big part of my life. My mom loves him and so does my aunt Bonnie.. He's my cousins best friend and i'm with my cousin a majority of the time.. 
After all this writing I have come to conclude.. He's not fake. He's as real as you and me. (if there even is a you). He cares about me and he has feelings just like I do. He hurts, he gets mad, he feels happy and he cries. (on occasion) We are all different though; he handles things differently then I would. He reacts to things  different. We're no cookie cutter pieces thats for sure. But thats what helps us work. That even though we aren't cookie cutter pieces that we are always striving to be better. To be sweeter, to be stronger, to be less tart, and to be the best. (yes i just related that whole thing to cookies).
I am a lucky girl. 
Because: I know that Alec knows i'm the most beautiful person in his life and he hates fighting and he loves me to death.
I am lucky because I can say that with a smile on TRUE smile on my face, and believe it.

Elder Koozer! [:

My email to Elder Koozer:


Hey there, 

I actually just got home from seeing you! Hah. It was cool to see you at the scout banquet! Thats alright, I don't expect you to check your email every day. You've got things to do!

I told my parents... Well my step mom that i'm getting baptized! It took like two hours to prepare myself and gain up the courage! But she comes and tells me and my step sister goodnight every night so when she came and told me good night I broke the news. She was a little hesitant at first and asked why I want to do it. I explained how I just felt so much happier lately and that I've been thinking about it for a while. She told me if it made me happy and if it was what I wanted to do that it's okay. I was so relieved to hear that! She's a very respectful woman about most things but she's my step mom so I've seen her be mean, be silly and sarcastic so I wasn't sure what I was going to get. After she went to bed I heard her and my dad talking about it (my dad laughing) and brigitte (step mom) telling him to be nice and to not say anything if he was just going to tear me down. I haven't seen my dad very much this last week cause I've been out and about and he's been at work but the few times I have seen him he hasn't said anything. So i'm still waiting to hear what he has to say.

Saturday me and a couple of my friends went to see our friend Maddie thats in the hospital. She was diagnosed with bone cancer. She started treatment last Thursday and she was acting like she was doing way good over facebook/texting. But when we went to see her she wasn't doing good at all! Her mom said that the chemo made her very nauseous. Here's the point to this story; when we were about to leave I started thinking 'we should say a prayer' and it was just going through my head over and over again. After everybody gave hugs and said goodbye I asked if we could say a prayer. Her mom asked me to do it and so I did. It brought everyone to tears! It was sad but I felt so good saying a prayer. This was one of the first prayers I have said in a long time. That night I prayed and every night since then I say my bedtime prayers. I've never said more than one prayer in maybe a few months. But it just relieves the stresses of the day off my shoulders and helps me sleep better at night!

 Alright, on to my question! So my aunt is helping put my baptism together and she said I need 2 speakers. I was wondering if you want to do a talk. The two are on baptism or the holy ghost. Whichever you are more comfortable with or want to do? I want you and Elder San Roman to be involved with my baptism for sure though! 

Thank you so much for all you have taught me! Hearing your story helped me out a lot and gave me a boost of confidence. I hear everyone say that this is the right church and that this is just such an amazing thing but they were all born and raised into it. It was just good to hear that it can change somebodies life, and affect the people around me!

Sincerely,

                       Kylee Jo Yamane

But what he doesn't know is:

He has thee goofiest laugh ever! The funny thing is my mom wants us to get married. pahaha. She's like "I have to get a picture of you two!"

He's 19 and barely into his mission!

Tonight was my little brothers blue and gold banquet for boy scouts and the Elders showed up and I was like "psstt! mom! look!!" She giggled at me. After they ate they came and sat by me and we talked and visited. He's a really good influence. I'm so lucky to have someone that went through the same changes I want to!

I've been dying to put up a picture of him! This isn't the most flattering but he's still a sweetheart! So here is Elder Koozer in my little sisters nerd glasses. XD

It's Ligit.

It's official! I'm getting baptized. After two discussions I know that this is what I want to do. This is how I am going to better myself as a person, friend, sister and someday a better wife and mother. The date is set for March 19th. The only problem: Brigitte and my dad have no clue! I have been doing discussions with my mom and they haven't noticed a trend of my absence being every Thursday. Its such a big thing that I want in my life that i'm scared to tell them. They were both raised in the LDS church and were forced to go. Once they were old enough to rebel they did, they haven't been to church in years i'd assume. I don't know how i'm going to tell them. I'm scared to get my dream shot down. No matter what I will go through with this, because this is what I want. I feel like i'm about to come out of the closet to my parents. I'll keep it posted how this talk goes.. 


Saturday me and a few of my favorite girls went to go see our friend Maddie in the hospital. She is such a strong girl. She has bone cancer. They started chemo last week and it makes her nauseous. She looked so sick when we got there it was so sad. Before we left I asked if we could say a prayer. It was the least I could do to show that we love her so much. When I finished my prayer everyone had teary eyes and her moms started crying. I felt so meaningful that saying a prayer to help my friend could touch so many people. I want to be able to touch more people with who I am and what I have to offer. I love you Maddie. Stay strong. <3

    I got my extensions last Thursday. (hence the long hair) I feel so beautiful! I didn't think that i'd like the length but i'm starting to love it! 


    Alec turns 16 in 3 days! (February 23rd). I'm so excited, although he has to work on his car for the next 3 days so that its done. But thats okay. Cause in the long run i'm going to be able to spend more time with him.
    So my mom is trying to set me up with one of the elders that is doing my discussions. He just started this week since Elder Larabee got sent to Wyoming. He is very attractive. His name is Elder Koozer. He is 19 years old and has been out on his mission for about 9 months. He has dark brown hair and this almost sexy scare on his left eye lid. hahahah. My mom wants me to start writing him but how do I ask for his email or mailing address?! He was baptized when he was 8 but didn't go to church until he was 17. His mom is a drug addict and his dad lived in Hollywood. He saw what road he was heading down and saw where it was leading him and so he started going to church with his grandparents. This is when he decided he wanted to go on a mission. He told me that 2 days after he graduated high school he packed up and moved to Arizona with his sister (she is LDS too) and then he went on his mission. I asked him if he was ever worried if his parents would disapprove or come back with some rude comments and he said no. His mom was very supportive and his dad was just a little confused because he didn't even know there was such a church. It helps that he's coming from where I am. His story has given me a lot of strength and hope.


I need help finding a baptism dress. If anyone has any ideas of shops in northern Utah, HELP!?

Waiting For the Light At the End Of the Tunnel.

I've been so bad about writing lately. I have loads to write about but i'm just so down i don't even take the effort to write. 
It seems like problem after problem with Alec. 
Me and Alec have been on this fight since Friday night. Him and his buddies were talking about how Alec was talking about sex with this girl and setting up a crazy scenario and then they were saying how she was loving it? I might just be crazy but that really bothered me. He kept asking and asking what was wrong and when I finally told him he blew up! Why the heck would he ask if he was just going to be a jerk about it?! We fought all that night and he told me if I didn't stop being grumpy or whatever that he was done. Even though I was done. I'm so done with his attitude. I'm just not done with him... We had plans to go see Justin Bieber Never Say Never as a triple date with Austin-Kyra Alec-Me and then Austin S.- Jenny (since Maddie couldn't go Jenny kept austin company. just friends!) I was happy all night. At least I thought I was. Alec was way nice the whole time too. I though things were going great, and I was so excited that they were! But when I got home Alec flipped out. He told me that I have to do everything now and that he wouldn't help me do anything. Its like he was trying to make me brake up with him... But I didn't. I just cried and soon fell asleep. This morning I woke up and I thought to myself.. I'm done. He can't treat me like that. What he said was so uncalled for. So I text him and said "we need to talk" and he said "why?" and I said "in person" and he said "what about my candy heart?" and I said told him I was so confused. Then he told me he felt bad about being harsh but he meant every word he said. I told him that I wouldn't carry all the weight on my shoulders. It'd just make me  break and i'd fall apart. Along with our relationship. I asked him what I needed to change and he said "I just want you to be cuter with me. Without me starting it. And I want you to be happier in whatever we do. And come up with stuff to do." Is what he's asking ridiculous? Is it bad to change myself for another? I need help. He said he'd be happy but I have to match his level of happiness all the time. Which I do. When he's a grump and rude i'm rude right back. When he's happy and talkative I am too. Cause thats when we have something to talk about. Tomorrow is Valentines.. I'm going up to see him. He expects me to change over night but I don't know how to make myself happy enough for him.. I just don't know.. 

I want the summer back.

I want the peace of mind that he's just mine back.

I want his real smile back.

I want the honey moon stage back.

I want to make it out of this.

I'm just waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.