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Sunday, January 30, 2011

i know, i know.

Yes, I have been lazy. I haven't been writing. Shame on me. This week I really needed it, it was super busy! 
     Monday I had dance, I have started doing dance for an hour and a half. It's so exhausting! Turns, leaps, jumps, head stands, jumps, turns, stretching, head stands and more stretching! I finally have my left splits COMPLETELY flat! I didn't get them at dance though. I'll explain when I get to Saturday.
     Anyways Tuesday I went to my grandma's house to help her clean. I needed some extra cash cause Alec was going to teach me how to snowboard Saturday. It was 30 dollars just for a day pass! So my grandma offered to help me out. We cleaned out her cupboards and it was pretty great. I love spending time with my grandma. We were talking about fine china and she told me that she'd be handing down her's to me! I was shocked, but I felt so special that she'd give them to me! So I asked her if I could see them and they are so gorgeous! They are like a really like green almost a sea foam green with a lace engraving on the edge and then a silver lining. She told me how they had only been eaten on five times, the whole time she's had them! Let me try to think of the five times she said.. She said hers and my grandpa's 5th anniversary i think, one time for family and hers and Layne's first Thanksgiving together. I can't think of the other two times. Those three must've just stuck in my head!
     Wednesday was my only free day of the week. So I decided to fit in some Alec time, even though I knew i'd be seeing him all weekend! I miss my boy when he's not with me. So him and his mom picked me up when he was done with soccer practice. They supposedly have a new place by where stroops is/was.  We got to his house, and I don't think we did very much. Not that I can remember, but we don't usually do a whole lot! Alec was laying across the counter (bad!) and so I sneaked up (it says sneaked up is okay but snuck up isn't? okay!) but I sneaked up behind him and traced the arch of his foot with my finger to tickled him and he freaked out! He started kicking his feet and so while he was freaking out he still had his head down so I sneaked up a bit further and traced his arm with my finger cause he's just so ticklish that, that tickles too! It was funny, at least to me! He doesn't like being tickled but he always tickles me. "It's because you laugh" he says. Then we found his little sisters glasses. Star glasses to be exact! So I said "LETS TAKE PICTURES" and he said "oh that'd be cute huh? well okay!" So this is how it goes...
Alec: Here you take the picture           Me: I can't... I have to keep my glasses on my face!
hahahaha
Alec: Do we have to look silly?               Me: No lets take one smiling.


 Alec: We can smile super cheesy and you can't see our eyes cause of the glasses!!! 
(I wish I could have gotten a picture of some of the faces he was pulling!)
Me: Alright! CHEESSSEEE! 
hahahah we laughed so much!
Then Alec leaned back and I was like "okay my turn to take pictures!"
Me: Are you going to pull that grumpy face?         Alec: YEP!
haha. Me: Alright, I will too!
So this is our grumpy face picture.
Me: Alec! KISS ME!         Alec: Why?       Me: Well cause I wanna kiss, and a picture of it!
MWAHH! <3
     Thursday, I got a massage! It was amazing. Relaxing, Warm, and just plain RELAXING! Need I say more?
 Jack's party was Friday. He's the new kid in our group and he's also Austin stouts cousin.. 
This Is Sam Evans. (Glee) <33

    This is Austin Stout.
Do you see the resemblance?! Crazy, I know!
Anyways, It was Jack's surprise party! So we got there and helped his mom out and all that fun stuff. We all were downstairs playing and being loud when all the sudden Jack comes downstairs. We were all like "oh hey Jack, surprise?!" hahah. It was a little pathetic but it was pretty sweet. For any one close to me whose reading this. I'd like a surprise party!! We all played Just Dance, or whatever its called. Hahah. It was a lot of fun! I was embarrassed to play but if you just get into it nothing matters. I was kind of grumpy, and for some reason I was all day. It felt like every little thing Alec did bugged me. The bad things though, the things that I can just brush of and still love him for. They were hitting me hard. So me being grumpy Alec decided to be grumpy to "show me how it felt". After all night of sitting by myself most of the time at this party I decided i was going for a walk. I told Jenny, Abbey, and Kara not to follow cause I wanted to see if Alec would. So next to Jacks house was a little open field and a white fence. This may sound dramatic but I set it up to be like a movie. A cold winter night, heart broken girl crying, and her boy walking up behind her. You may have guess but Alec did follow me. He explained to me that he was showing me how it felt, and I explained to him that it just made things worse. He agreed and understood that it didn't help. In the background Kara was yelling at Austin Flint, Austin Stout, Matt, Jace and Jake D to get out of her car. Alec said "why don't you just be that firm with me? just beat me up!" I was already crying so this made it worse but I told him "you keep telling me that but I can't be like that, and I won't be ever" between every few words he said "okay, okay. i'm sorry." (without attitude +++) We made up and decided we were done fighting. We went inside and warmed up and soon it was time to go. We decided that I would just go home with him and Austin would pick me up after he dropped off Abbey in South Weber. So i'd get more time with Alec! But I only ended up getting about 15 minutes with him! Cause Abbey's mom decided to meet us at Castle Park. I said goodbye to Alec but I knew I wouldn't be away from him for long.
     Which brings us to Saturday! SNOWBOARDING! I say that like it was awesome, but it  really wasn't all that great...... We left Alec's house at 12:00. It was Me, Alec, Shon (Alec's dad), Conor (Alec's brother), Kara, Jenny and Kate (Alec's little sister). We went to Wolf Creek Mountain. Otherwise known as Wolf Mountain. We got there and I rented some boots and Alec helped me get strapped in. It was so crazy! I've never stood on a board in my life! Alec started teaching me how I don't want to drag my board and scrape the snow, cause then i'll fall. Then we tried learning how to stop, i'd go straight and then turn my board and stop, or slow down. I started to get discouraged, and Alec was getting frustrated. Alec doesn't have a lot of patience, which is what I was worried about with him teaching me. I was waiting for us to start yelling at each other or something! We went and took a break and I had to warm up my toes so they didn't turn black and fall off! So we were just sitting there and he just sat and stared out the window, or at the t.v. and didn't say a word. What the hell right? Right. So I tried to think of a couple things to talk about. I asked him if he was hungry and he said "I was actually just thinking about that" he went and got some food and we talked about how expensive it was, and how the fries were gross. But it was weird, almost awkward. I've never had an awkward moment with Alec in the 8 months I've known him! By 4:00 I was done, I was discouraged, mad, and frustrated. Alec was frustrated, anxious and bored. I knew he wanted to hit some rails or jumps but I didn't want him to leave me. Shon said he'd take me over to Conor, and he ended up pretty much carrying me! Hah, it was a little weird but I kept falling! So I don't blame him for wanting to go faster. So I sat there with Conor and drank hot chocolate. Alec's older brother Conor, is... Something else. Everything he says he means sexually. It's pretty gross, and he always teases, teases, teases, NON STOP! Soon Jenny came, then Kara and Kate. We talked while Alec hit his jumps and his dad got some footage of him. We ate some delicious pizza, it was super cheesy! Soon enough we decided we were done. My knee was aching and I just wanted to sleep. We returned my boots and Alec and Kara went on a couple more runs. (Yes that did bother me.. A lot.) Me, Conor and Jenny sat in the Yukon listening to music and Alec showed up. He sat in there with us but I was kind of giving him the cold shoulder. Then he decided to go hit some more jumps. So it was me Conor and Jenny again.. Soon everyone showed up to the Yukon and we loaded up. Alec was talking to everybody but me. He'd pull on Kara's hat and tease her, he'd talk to his dad about some car parts, he'd talk to Jenny about something, he'd ask Kate a question. Then he'd smile at me? I was so mad, on top of all those emotions I mentioned before! I told him what was wrong and he apologized. He said he wasn't ready to be that patient. Obviously, but he should have known it wasn't going to be easy. I scooted closer to him and he wrapped his arms around me and I fell asleep on the way home. We went back to Alec's house and sat by the fire and watched a movie. Charlie St. Cloud! Alec was so cute, and he was trying really hard to make me happy. We were stretching before we started the movie and Jenny and Kara were like "can you do your splits?" and I was thinking well if I say yeah but i'm not stretched and go as far as I can i'll look cool and so I said that and then I went all the way flat! AWESOME!! I even showed Alec my splits cause i'm just so proud of them! Hah.
     Today has been my recovery day. My throat has been hurting, my head and I've had a stuffy nose! NO BUENO! On top of that I ended up with sore muscles. My arms hurt, my legs hurt, my knee hurts and i'm just so sore! Dance tomorrow will have to be filled with stretching!
     This week needs to be good. <33

Monday, January 24, 2011

Not simple enough. /:

Yesterday (Sunday) I hung out with my mom. I got to drive everywhere we went which was awesome. I told her what my aunt Bonnie had said and how I've been thinking about getting baptized. She thought it was an awesome idea and that she wants to see me get married in the temple. She talked to grandma Rhonda and I am going to start meeting with the missionaries this week or next.. It's so exciting!!! I'll have to keep it posted on if I decide to get baptized or not!

I talked to Koty last night! AHH! I was so glad. Last week I text him and said "hey I have some awesome news! text me soon!" and he never replied.. So I text him last night and said "hey so i'm guessing you're busy but I just wanted to tell you my awesome news! one of the poems I wrote is getting published! and the cool part is.. it's a poem I wrote for/about you" and he replied! We talked about how and when it's getting published but that's about it. Then he never replied?? Ugh. But today after school I took a nap and he was in my dreams! Even when I take naps. Usually it's just at night but now he's EVERYWHERE! 

Genna has been really down and i'm really worried. She told me she's not eating and that she doesn't even want to dance! Dancing is Genna's life. So just hearing that you know something is seriously wrong.. 

For the past couple weeks I feel like i'm becoming more and more distant from my family. Like nobody cares where I am until i'm gone. Nobody cares what's happening.. Tuesday I told Brigitte about Jamie. I went to the viewing Friday with my mom but nobody asked how it was, no one even asked about him. Or if I was okay. Usually I tell Brigitte everything. But lately I feel like if I tell her something i'm just wasting her time.. My dad isn't any better. This may sound silly but he stopped the recording of The Bachelor so we missed HALF of the show! I know that's stupid but he does this all the time! Just so he can watch his shows! But if I say anything he threatens to take my phone away for 2 weeks? As if that'll help! I don't understand how they don't catch on that taking my phone away doesn't teach me anything. It just makes me more mad.

Anyways, Alec is going to teach me how to snowboard Saturday! It's so exciting! I've never stood on a snowboard in my life! And i'm lucky to have someone as profesh as Alec to be teaching me!(:

I feel like detaching myself from the world for a while. I want to be by myself and just learn, by myself. I wish I could drive so badly. So I could just leave and have time to think. To be able to do anything to keep myself busy.
There's not much else I can vent about. Other then these things life is good. But I guess under every problem life IS good.. Oh Bailey! I miss you so much.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

its no surprise!

Last night was Jamie's Viewing. I've been strong since I heard the news. Only crying a little here and there. We stood in line, and waited, and waited. We got into the viewing room and they had pictures of him all over.. Thats when I broke down. He had the biggest smile in every picture. He was such a photogenic kid and he knew it! Flashing a smile here and there. Family photos, football pictures. It was incredible. They had his long board, the one he got hit while riding.. His snowboard and waders for fishing. He was such a perfect kid. All the ladies loved him. We got up to the casket and I was just a wreck. Trying so hard to stop crying when I met his parents. I talked to his dad for a second and then moved on to his mom and she just gave me a big hug. She was such a nice lady. I had never seen so many boys cry. Everybody walked in okay and then walked out crying. 
Afterwards I met up with Alec and Jenny. It was Alec's first foot-sol soccer game. He hated it. I could definitely tell. Even before he said "I hate it". The score ended up being 7-1.  They played La Roca, and it was SO intense. When the game was over we went to Matt's house. Me, Abbey, and Jenny just sad and watched 9 boys run around screaming like 5 year olds. It was so crazy. They were all super hyper. Which I was not in the mood for after my friends viewing and being on my menstrual cycle. But I sucked it up, and I obviously made it. 
(jamison's funeral)




Tonight I hung out with Alec. I got to his house around 4 and we just hung out for a while. Then Jenny came up and we went to my cousin Austins. We were watching some of their footage from Park City, When Bonnie asked if she could talk to me for a minute. I had no clue what she wanted to talk about! I was a little worried. We walked into the other room and she started saying that there was a time when she was worried about the choices I was making. If they were good or bad. Then lately she has noticed a light in me. How every time she see's me my eyes sparkle and she can even see it in pictures! She asked what I had thought has changed. I told her how I had started seeing things differently and I just feel like I've grown up so much. Then she said that she saw the light of god through my eyes. That god really loves me, and Jesus is looking after me. She said she didn't know if it was cause I was in love with Alec or what. I told her that, that was so weird that she saw that because lately I have been thinking a lot about getting baptized, and talking to the missionaries. It was so cool to hear that from her and I loved it. She told me I was like a daughter to her and that she loved me so much and to tell her if I needed anything. It meant a lot to me. <3
After that heart to heart I went back to Austin, Jenny and Alec. I felt like I was glowing. I was just so happy. Me, Alec and Jenny went to Chases house and a bunch of people were over. (the Fruit Heights gang) as I used to call them! Hah. Me and Alec played some ping-pong and we went on a walk. Alec has been so understanding this week. I don't know if something has actually changed in him or if he just understands because of Jamie dying. Either way I love it. We walked around the block, and it was FREEZING! But of course Alec was warm, he walked behind me and wrapped me up in his jacket. We walked around and talked about what Bonnie had said and he said he didn't think that I had changed because of him. But he also hadn't known me before. I think that a lot of it has to do with Alec. I've never had a best friend like him. Even if our relationship doesn't last forever our friendship will. I don't know what i'd do with out him just because he is my best friend! I love talking to him about these kind of things. Its just nice to know he's not always a goof ball. Even though i'm the one that fell in love with the goof ball! Hah. 
When we were telling everyone goodbye I was hugging my cousin Austin and he told me that his mom told him that a while ago. Also that his mom adores Alec. Which is way good, cause if Bonnie likes him he's gotten past one of the hardest parts! Hah. Anyhow this week has been crazy eventful..
Summer 2010. <3

Thursday, January 20, 2011

H.O.T. (:

Today doesn't seem to be my day. More break up talk with Alec. More "we'll just move on" sayings. More drama. More pain. It all just seems to come at once. I don't think that troubles only come when you're down though. Cause if you think about it when you're having the time of your life nothing can bring you down. You spill a drink but who cares it was hilarious! But when you're having a bad day and you spill, oh just wait for the water works! 
I tend to cry easily when i'm down. But I cry easily no matter what. Even if my parents are just talking to me, I hate getting in trouble! It's the worst! I guess i'm just an emotional person!
I'm either going to meet with the Clearfield High counselor tomorrow, or Monday! Whoo hoo! Finally I can get all my questions answered!
Today I caught one of my friends lying or stretching the truth several times. I didn't want to say anything because I was already upset about how Alec was acting and people saying horrible things about Jamison. But my friends noticed and asked what was wrong. I told two of them what was going and I just started venting. So here I am venting away and I get some feedback from one friend but not one from the other. We'll call them Friend #1 and Friend #2. So Friend #1 was being so helpful and she understood everything. Like always! On the other hand Friend #2 was just saying "oh... idk... hmm..." and didn't have much to say. Friend #2 has a history of telling things that shouldn't be told. So Friend #2 told TSF (Truth Stretching Friend) .. Hah, and guess who got in trouble?! Me! Yeah, thats right. TSF heard that I was calling her a liar. I tried to make it clear to her that I was just venting and that if Friend #2 wouldn't had said anything I would have been over it already! What the heck is going on?!
I met this boy today. Drayson Ball, cute name huh?! He is extremely attractive! Athletic smart, the whole deal! He reminds me a lot of Koty though.. Besides the fact Koty has muddy blonde hair and blue eyes.. Drayson is the complete opposite! He has dark hair, dark skin but he has these blue green eyes that are TO DIE FOR! 
I haven't talked to Koty in weeks. (Koty is a Manti boy I met over the summer. He is super busy with school and work that he doesn't have time to do anything. We've only hung out a few times such as: Movies, Golfing, Gateway Mall, Driving all over hah, and Park City. The last time I saw him was before christmas.. I actually think it was November! We try to space the times out because we don't want anything serious because we know we could have something and we don't want to ruin it while we're young and stupid... yes this has be conversed many times!) anyways.. Koty won't reply to any of my texts.. He hasn't for a while now. I don't know whats going on and he's been on my mind a lot lately. He was even in my dream last night! So this is how the dream went: So I was driving to Manti to surprise Koty. with Genna and my mom. So we're driving a long and we get about half way there (Payson) when I get a call from Koty. I answer and say
me: Hey!
Koty: hey! are you busy?
me: no i'm just driving.. hehe. you?
Koty: well i kinda have a surprise for you!
me: uhhh? what?!
Koty: I'm passing Salt Lake now so hurry and get ready!
me: pahahahah KOTY! i'm in Payson coming to surprise you!
Koty: hahaha
(yeah sad i remembered his laugh well enough to dream of it!)
We both started laughing and decided to both turn around and head back. We would meet in Provo. By time I got turned around Genna and my mom had disapeared.. I probably left them at the McDonalds bathroom or somthing! hahahahahah.
I feel so silly dreaming about Koty but I just miss him so much! I woke up before I got to see him in my dream.. But if my alarm would have went off I wouldn't have even had my dream so I guess it was good I slept in 30 minutes too late!!


Anyways; Here is a picture of Alec, Koty and Drayson. What do you think?


Drayson. (:

Koty. <3

Alec. <33





Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Falling Star.

I haven't decided if something is wrong or if i'm just PMS-ing.. But somethings not right.. I get mad at Alec for almost everything he does. We hung out yesterday (Tuesday) and he texted his friend Carter the entire time! I was so mad he kept telling me to be happy and I finally said, "okay when you stop texting". Though I don't think he heard me.. Then tonight (Wednesday) he went the the Jeff Dunham show. He didn't tell me until he had to go for the show, and it bothers me that he didn't tell me or even think to invite me.. I try to invite him to do everything with me! But he can't do something as nice as to even invite me? Even if I couldn't have gone its the thought that counts.. I mean how long has he had this planned? He's starting to create some habits that I really don't like. But I have to wait for the right time to talk to him about it, otherwise it'll just blow up in my face. 

I'm completely jealous of Maddie. She finally got her boy. Joshua Barber. He's the cutest kid ever! He is so sweet to her.. It makes me wish me and Alec were still in the "honeymoon" stage. But that's long gone and now its time to face reality and love each other for what we actually have. Not just be filled with infatuation.  Maddie is so happy, and I am very happy for her as well.

Genna has had a rough time this past week. Her and Brayden broke up. I knew he wasn't good for her. None of the boys at North Davis are good.. Clearfield boys. Ugh! She was so heartbroken.. Then we found out our friend Jamison Tuckett died. He was hit by a car, a teenage girl driving. She was heartbroken.. I don't even know if she knew him all that well though. She tends to get so heartbroken over people who pass away that she wasn't even best friends with.. I wouldn't like to see how she'd react if one of our best friends died.. Or maybe it'd just be the same?

Kyra, can you say confused? Just say it one or two times.. Then a third. Then write an equals sign next to Kyra's name. Kyra lost her virginity to a boy named Devin. He is one of the worst boys she could ever have in her grasp. She has this amazing boy now named Dakota. He's sweet, loving and he absolutely adores her. Trust me, she knows it too. He's everything that she needs! Especially right now. Lately Devin has been trying to get in touch with Kyra. It's going to turn into a disaster. Kota is already freaking out. She knows how much he adores her but she doesn't see what she's doing to him. I don't know how she doesn't either.

Back to my tragic Alec story.. 
I feel so frustrated. I want to talk to him about it so badly. Maybe after the show he'll be in a good mood. I'm blaming all my sadness on Jamison's death. That i'm hurt, sad and overwhelmed. That all my friends are stressing me out by crying to me. I don't feel like I have any right to cry. I wasn't close to him. The last time we'd talk was months ago. I feel like I need someone; that'll always be there. I want a best friend that I know will have my back. I want to be the envy of every girl. With the love, happiness, and dignity. I don't want to cry myself to sleep over boys. I don't want to go through the pain of dating and rejection. I don't want to see people be loved then lost. Maybe i'm just being a baby.. Maybe I just need to suck it up. "Cowgirl up".

I finally have my future mapped out. It's not in permanent marker, cause whose future is? I'm going to take cosmetology classes through high school. Hopefully the 2nd semester of my Sophomore year or i'll just wait until my Junior year. I'll be able to have all my hours done and graduate with my high school diploma and a cosmetology license! With that license I can work my way through college doing hair. I want to go to college for writing. I will also be doing dance and choir through out high school which will look good on a college resume. I want to go out of state. Michigan please! Some where with rain. Where I won't miss Alec while he's on his mission.. Yeah, I know that probably sounds very silly but I like the thought..

I think i'm done venting. I'm also going to talk to Alec tonight about everything. Hopefully he'll be okay with me whining.. But then again is he ever?/:



Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Death?

One of my friends Jamison died today. It's unbelievably heartbreaking. He was a 4.0 student. Handsome, funny and the whole deal. He played football and a lot of boys remember him from that. I don't understand death. I don't understand how in a blink of an eye someones life can be gone. People say it must've been his time to go.. But why would someone be taken away from all their friends, from all their family because there time is up? How is that fair to take somebody so loved.. 
Rest in peace Jamison. I will always remember you as the cute boy that would show off playing football. Winking at me and trying to get my attention. The day you asked me to be your girlfriend in the 7th grade and when we'd door bell ditch your house during the summer..



Home.

        We got home from Las Vegas last night. It took us 9 hours to drive home. We had to stop a few times for potty break of course. I mean we had 5 girls! 
         We arrived home at 10 o' clock.. I haven't seen Alec since last Thursday. Which is when I found out i'd be going to St. George/Vegas. I went up to hang out with him for a couple hours and it was great. We were over our fight but it was just another goodbye. I hate being away from him.. I hate knowing that i'm hours and hours away from him. I hate knowing that the text i'm about to open is going to be a one word text showing how much he just really doesn't care. Last night we got in a fight because all day I was planning on spending today with him. I was so excited to get home go to bed so I could wake up and be with him. But Alec had different plans.. He told me he was going snowboarding. I know. I was so furious. I still am. I don't understand how he could just choose snowboarding over me? He told me that he'd be back by 5. But when he comes back he'll be exhausted, grumpy and not give a shit that i'm even there. He denied that statement and said he would. Then he started comparing me to Carter's girlfriend. How she beats him up when he's a jerk. But honestly, can you see me beating anyone for being a jerk? No. Me either. I'm so frustrated I just wanted to yell at him. But that's kind of impossible through text. Ugh. I told him goodbye after he didn't reply for 10 minutes and I woke up to a text he sent me 45 minutes after saying "goodnight my piece of heaven. I love you." That is SO unfair! He can be such a jerk one minute and then the next i'm a piece of heaven?! I'm so confused. And unbelievably upset that he'd choose snowboarding over me.. Watch he won't even be home till late. So i'll sit in bed all day waiting for him, and then he'll call around 10 saying he's home. But guess who isn't going to his house at ten on a school night? Yep, me.


       I'm so done.
I just need some advice. 

Saturday, January 15, 2011

V.A.C.A.T.I.O.N. (:

  So randomly my step mom decided that we were going to St. George/Vegas! 
I was so excited! To get away and be in the warm weather! But I miss Alec so bad! I hate being away from him! I wish I was going on a vacation with him! Although I am having fun, so I can't complain too much!
  We left our house Friday afternoon at 5 o' clock. We arrived in Salt Lake City not too much longer. We were picking up our cousin Ashley and aunt Wendy. Ashley had been to the ER just a bit earlier for bad cramps! She got a shot of morphine and it made her very sick! She was throwing up like non stop! It was very gross. We waited till about 7 and then left. Ashley fell asleep in the car so she couldn't be sick! It was a long boring drive! We drove past Mona/Nephi and I wanted to cry! I felt like I was just THAT close to Gunnison and I didn't stop. I didn't get to see anyone. Bailey, Koty, Conner, just nobody. We finally got to St. George at 1 am! It was late and we were all very exhausted! We went straight to bed! This morning we woke up and ate breakfast and then took a couple hours getting ready. After we got some starbucks and sat in the sun. It was SO amazing, the sun was so warm! We checked into our hotels and then lathered up in tanning oil and then it was off to the swimming pool! I laid on the chair with my book and soaked up lots of vitamin D! I already have a tan line! Tomorrow we are going to Vegas, I can't wait! I am ready to go shopping! Today we were at wal-mart and I was buying everything I could see! I got sweats, a sweatshirts, a purse and sunglasses. It's sweet.. hah!


  I miss everyone so much. Alec most of all. /:



Tuesday, January 11, 2011

me against the world;


I feel so frustrated lately. It all started last night at dance.
I couldn't catch onto anything. Even things I am pro at I couldn't do. I was just so off. And it makes me so mad that I can't keep up.
I haven't been frustrated with myself for a while.
It usually happens when i'm forced to draw and i'm being graded on my artwork.
I'm not an artist by all means.
Not with a pencil in my hands at least.

I can't decide whats wrong. But I think something is up with Alec.
He's been so flaky lately. We'll be texting and then he just decides not to reply.
And I re send my text a couple times in case he doesn't get it.
But guess what?
No reply!
But when i'm in the shower and I don't reply I end up with three texts and a missed call?
But I make sure I reply. Or tell him when i'm not able to text.
Shouldn't he take the time to at least tell me goodbye?
He'll say he wants to talk but then he's boring/down.
I'm not sure if its down but I don't get much out of him.
I just miss talking to him. Like we used to..






Sunday, January 9, 2011

Out Of My League. /:

Our first week back to school was exhausting! With several projects due I swear thats all I had time for! I ran on just a few hours of sleep each night to wake up late and get half way ready.
I didn't even have time to miss Alec! Usually during the week we try to plan something or we text all day. But sometimes i'd get too wrapped up into my essay's or he'd be working on a project too. Things were just completely off! I did get to hang out with him Friday though. He's slowly but surely learning how my mind works. Although around every corner he surprises me I think i'm starting too catch on too. Our whole seven months together I could never get him to comfort or reassure me. We always fought about that, about how it made me look selfish and how it made him look like a jerk. But he finally got it! I was so thrilled. I love him to death but he also frustrates me. If he asks me a question that I don't know how to answer he gets upset. I don't know what to tell him! I can't just make up an answer when I don't even understand the question. People always say "yeah he's cute but he's way too full of himself" well I have the opposite problem. Alec is so cute but he will not take a compliment. EVER. He believes he doesn't have an imagination but he can repair a SAAB from the early 1900's! He has the capability of being everything I say he is and that I see in him. But he won't see it. I don't know if he just refuses to look or if he really just doesn't notice his talents. He wants me to learn how to drive stick and he thinks he's going to teach me. But if he's not patient enough to teach me what things do what in his car how is he going to have the patience to help me learn stick?! I don't know what to tell him anymore. He hasn't had a really bad mood for a while, but I got one today. I can either leave (bad) or be patient (good). But I don't want to have to always do that. It's not fair that when i'm in a bad mood he goes running for the hills, But when he's in a bad mood I try even more for him. Bleh.
I'm reading a new book. Well it's kind of new, it's called "love the one you're with" by emily giffin. Its way good so far! I'm sucked in for sure, which is good cause I haven't found a good book in what seems like forever! Its about a woman named Ellen that is recently married to her best friends brother Andy. Everything is perfect. Too perfect. One day Ellen runs into her ex , Leo. She gets hit with old memories and feelings and its stuck in her head and she starts to question everything about her and Andy's marriage. The only pitfall for me is that its a lot of flash backs and thinking. Which can get confusing and boring! I like reading conversations more for some reason? Maybe its not just me.
Drill try-outs are the last week of February into the first week of March! Its over a month sooner then Syracuse High's dance try outs! I am starting to get nervous! I'm switching to Monday afternoon private lessons with my coach Heather. She is amazing and she was on a High School drill team too! So she has a better idea of what they will be doing at try-outs! I was watching a couple videos on youtube of drill try-outs and it made it all just that much more real! Brigitte, (step mom) is going to talk to Heather tomorrow and see if she thinks I actually have a chance of getting on the team. If she says yes I am going to start dancing two hours on Mondays! Its such a long time!!! It will prepare me but i'm going to be dead! I already die after one hour.
This week is end of term and my grades aren't cutting it.. at all. I have to talk to my teachers about bringing my grades up. At least I know I can bring two of my C's up. Its my Geometry F thats mostly killing me. It always will, I can't wait until i'm out of that class! I just wish my teacher would help me. But no, she's too busy chattin' it up with her basketball girls. How fair is that? Aren't teachers there to support and help you through the difficult things? I know I catch on to math a little slow and I probably drop the average of my classes test scores but I know for a fact i'm not the only one. But it takes 3 girls to say "I don't understand this" for her to get through her head that we need time to review! Not just learn learn learn until the day before the test.
I don't know if i'm ready for this week. At all.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Stress, Frustration & Impatience.

This week started out great! Back at school and being able to be with my friends again. We were all ready to be ready for school. Until First period started, you walk into class and you have no idea what you're learning about, where you left off or where to even begin! You hear the teacher say "pass up the ____ assignment" you see everyones face in worry and nobody has done it. Obviously, who is going to do homework over break? As much as I loved being on break it was TOO long! I was already falling behind and then they expect us to catch up with 2 weeks of no teachers and nobody to help us?!
You soon find out this simple project you got in English turns into a 6 page essay. You choose from a list and say you chose "not to wear make up for 3 days. (one of the days at school)" what does she want me to write about?! "Oh this was a great experience, I learned a lot and... " and what? I don't know how to finish that sentence and i'm about to sit here for hours think of how to end the sentence.
Math has always been hard on me, I've never been very good. I'm also not the person to ask for help or ask questions. I feel dumb when I ask and our teachers don't exactly help with that, I understand that loads of students could have asked this question but I have my own style of learning and I don't deserve to be talked to like a 2-year-old. Teachers are there to help us not tear us down and just let us fail. If i'm using my time to go to a class to get help I should be helped. I shouldn't be ignored because my teacher is talking to her basketball players.
I'm not a good person under stress. I should fix it, I become whiney, needy and just a miserable person to be around. I feel like I need support and help with all this stuff but who would be able to help me? I don't tell my family how to support me either, leaving them in the dark leaves me helpless.
With lots of homework to do I should really start now, maybe I can be done by midnight? Yeah, sounds about right.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Back To School...

It's that time again. School time. Are you ready? Most people aren't, but in some ways I am. I was excited for the break to get away from my friends drama and be my own person. "Time makes the heart grow fonder", I find this true. I have missed my girls SO much. All the drama we have been through seems silly. It's hard to keep in touch with each other when we are all growing and maturing at different rates. It's hard to keep up with 5+ girls when you're having you're own problems. I hope we have all learned this over the break and can get back together tomorrow with big hugs and smiles!
I spent an amazing break with Alec! I swear if it weren't for him I wouldn't know of any movies, I swear that's all we do! Movies, Call of Duty, a couple more movies and a few more rounds of Call of Duty. I have recently gotten over the fact that my boy can't do anything else with his vertebrae being fractured. So I decided to take up the hobby of COD (Call of Duty). Although I am not hooked yet, and I am not even remotely good I got like five kills the other day! I won't mention how many deaths I had though...
I have set my new years resolutions, the other day I read an article saying that you need to look through your list and make sure it is realistic. I made ideal list of my resolutions. Though it was not the typical "get ready for bathing suit season" or "quite smoking". This may be a relief to hear but I have neither of those problems! Here is my list:
  1. work harder this semester in school. -my grades are barely making a C average.
  2. make it to drill try outs. - i cannot set a goal to make drill because i have no control of what the coaches decide but i can make sure i am healthy and strong enough to make it to try outs and work my hardest to prove i can be on the team.
  3. learn the basics of cooking. - if i learn to cook now i will become better and better over time. i don't want my future husband to come home to a clean house and mac & cheese!
  4. get my license. - this is the year! i've learned to drive in snow and i'm used to driving at night with my mom. hopefully i will have the practice and skill to pass my test by time i am sixteen. (october 24th!)
  5. keep my room clean. - my room is terribly small and its hard to have a place for everything! i can understand when i'm in a hurry and i don't have time to put away my last load of laundry i did or make my bed before i leave for school. but i want to be able to wake up earlier make sure my clothes get in the hamper and my bed neatly made.

My list is short, but all of those things will take lots of habits to make and millions of habits to break. I can't wait for this week of school, just to see how it goes. Find out how all my friends are doing and help in everything I am capable of helping with.